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« goatsongs » TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION NAKAHARA CHUUYA ✦ BUNGOU TO ALCHEMIST
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"Yo, it's Nakahara Chuuya. I'm way too busy to talk to you right now, so leave a message and I'll get back to you. Probably."

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[goatsongs]

Cross my heart.

[He's told Rika a few things to try to get them to actually talk to each other about their problems, but if Satoko asks him not to say anything, he'll sooner die than spill.]

[loopsbian]

[ she looks at him. really and truly looks, peering into his eyes like she's searching for something. and finally, after a good ten seconds of silent evaluation, she nods, seemingly satisfied. ]

...I'm glad.

[ she reaches down and into her bag. she slowly withdraws a kitchen knife - long, clean, recently sharpened. she lays it on the kitchen counter, making sure chuuya has ample time to see it before she continues. ]

Did she tell you why she returned to Showa 58? Or has she still not put two and two together?

[goatsongs]

[Oh, he doesn't like that. He likes that even less coupled with her poem.]

She didn't tell me that she went back again.

[loopsbian]

No, I suppose she wouldn't. A liar to the bitter end, isn't she?

[ even now, there's a soft fondness that creeps into the words - both lovesick and sick, a perfect blend of adoration and venom. ]

Then allow me to be frank. [ she speaks calmly, as if they aren't talking about something truly horrendous. ] As one who lives in loops, Rika is bound to this little game of ours. Back home, yes, but even here as well.

[ she reaches forward, laying a fingertip on the knife's handle but making no attempt to grab it. ]

Death is little more than an inconvenience to us. This place is no different. [ idly, spinning the knife with her finger: ] I assume you have no need for a demonstration?

[goatsongs]

Don't do that!

[If he sees her die he'll snap, he swears, even if she comes back five seconds later.]

[loopsbian]

Calm down, Mr. Chuuya. Rest assured, I'd rather avoid it too. It isn't as if I enjoy the process.

[ spin, spin, spin. she stares down at it for a few moments, finally shaking her head and resuming. ]

...there. I believe I've been truthful on this matter. [ she looks up and directly at him, making eye-to-eye contact without flinching. ] So now that you know, what do you intend to do?

[goatsongs]

[No one likes dying. Not even people like Dazai enjoyed their end.]

...Well, right now I'd like to give you a hug.

[loopsbian]

[ this time, it's satoko's turn to be speechless. when she does talk, there's a genuine confusion in her voice. ]

...why?

[goatsongs]

You just told me you've been dying over and over, so much that you can talk about it like it isn't a big deal. Of course I want to hug you?

[She knows how much she means to him. If he can't do anything to fix the problem, at least he can try to comfort her.]

[loopsbian]

[ it isn't what she expected - not even a little. but she can't help the warm feeling running through her as he says it, or the way her chest hurts in a good way for once. so she nods, finally managing to say aloud: ]

Um... you can give me a hug, if you like. I don't mind.

[goatsongs]

[He's gentle when he wraps his arms around her and pulls her close. For all his weaknesses as a person, he at least can give warm hugs. So that's something.]

Satoko...

[loopsbian]

[ he smells... well, he smells like a common drunkard. a bathed drunkard, yes, but a drunkard nonetheless. but even so, the hug is meaninful, and satoko makes no attmept to break free. ]

...it's strange. [ her voice is half-muffled by chuuya's scrawny chest. ] She never wants to go back home. I know that. And I want nothing more. But... but now that so many of our friends are here, I find myself wondering if I have to keep going. Surely it's not wrong to rest a bit, is it?

[goatsongs]

[That, he can't fix. There are certainly much better people to hug out there, but this is who Satoko has.]

You deserve to take a break. To be safe, or at least as safe as you can be in a place like this.

[loopsbian]

[ "you deserve to take a break."

that may be true. it almost certainly is - she hasn't even bothered counting the years since she last truly breathed out and relaxed. but...

"to be safe."

slowly, with a great reluctance, satoko pushes herself back off chuuya to look up at him. ]

...what danger do you think I am in, Mr. Chuuya?

[goatsongs]

...I assume it's the same thing that kept killing Rika before, but neither of you have told me the details.

[But she has to be in some kind of danger, doesn't she? To keep dying so often.]

[loopsbian]

[ of course. of course he didn't understand. how could he? her brow falls - not from painful memories but in preparation for the conversation to come. ]

...the Mountain Dogs no longer take Rika's life. The circumstances that led to her death have changed, for the most part.

[ she takes a small step back, preemptively and unconsciously distancing herself from the closest thing she has to a father figure. ]

No matter how perfectly I remake them.

[goatsongs]

[He doesn't understand.

Satoko cares for Rika. Everyone knows that. She wouldn't have been so hurt by Rika's actions otherwise. But they were talking things out, and things were getting better-

And even if they hadn't been, to go so far as-]

Why?

[loopsbian]

Because it was the only way to make her stay.

[ she looks down to the floor. it isn't that she's ashamed of what she's done - that hasn't quite hit her yet, the enormity of her actions. but she is hurt just thinking about the difference between this world and hers - how easily she can coexist with rika here, and how nothing worked back in the other. ]

...I talked to her in the first few fragments. We talked about our problems. I told her about my fears. And every time, she cast me aside. Every time. [ a soft, unhappy chuckle. ] I waited five whole years for her, those first few times. Just to see if this time would be different. But it never was.

[goatsongs]

I'm sorry.

[He really is. He understands, that sometimes you love a person, and love a person, and are honest, and things still don't work out.]

...But, Satoko... She'll figure it out eventually, and it'll only drive her further away from you.

[loopsbian]

That's where you're wrong.

[ the amazing part isn't the words she's saying. the amazing part is the absolute, unflinching certainty in them. she doesn't believe herself to be right; she knows it. ]

Mr. Chuuya, what do you feel the thing furthest from love is?

[goatsongs]

Indifference.

[...oh, he knows where this is going and he doesn't like it.]

[loopsbian]

I knew you would understand. You are a poet, are you not?

[ the look in her eyes... it's not happy, but it's not desperate. it's a bittersweet sort of smile. the smile of someone who's accepted defeat to win in the long run. ]

Love and hate... They're not that far apart, I don't think. When someone chases you and threatens you, they think of you the whole time!

[goatsongs]

[He's never been so unhappy to be right.]

...There's one difference, I think.

If you love someone, you have to want them to be happy. Sometimes you can hurt them out of ignorance and that's not an excuse - but if you're doing it deliberately, that isn't love.

[Obsession, yes. But never love.]

[loopsbian]

[ that hits different. the smile vanishes from satoko's face, and for a moment she looks once again - that same piercing glare, scouring down into the depths of his soul, looking for something.

she finds it once more. she doesn't smile this time. ]

Of course I want her to be happy. I want us both to be happy. Our friends, our families... even the ones who tried to harm us. Why else would I have done this? [ her voice is calm, level, and measured. it is absolutely abhorrent to hear. ] Tell me, Mr. Chuuya, does a parent who disciplines their child not love them? What of the father who offers foul-tasting medicine?

[goatsongs]

[If she expects him to waver, he doesn't.]

Of course they do. Because the sickness is worse than the medicine, and the consequences of growing up without learning self-control are worse than the discipline. That's still about long-term happiness.

What does the long term look like for you, now? What's your path from this point to happiness?

[Does she have a plan? She's good at plans, isn't she? They're not so different from traps.]