goatsongs | Noctium IC Inbox

You just told me you've been dying over and over, so much that you can talk about it like it isn't a big deal. Of course I want to hug you?

[She knows how much she means to him. If he can't do anything to fix the problem, at least he can try to comfort her.]

[ it isn't what she expected - not even a little. but she can't help the warm feeling running through her as he says it, or the way her chest hurts in a good way for once. so she nods, finally managing to say aloud: ]

Um... you can give me a hug, if you like. I don't mind.

[He's gentle when he wraps his arms around her and pulls her close. For all his weaknesses as a person, he at least can give warm hugs. So that's something.]

Satoko...

[ he smells... well, he smells like a common drunkard. a bathed drunkard, yes, but a drunkard nonetheless. but even so, the hug is meaninful, and satoko makes no attmept to break free. ]

...it's strange. [ her voice is half-muffled by chuuya's scrawny chest. ] She never wants to go back home. I know that. And I want nothing more. But... but now that so many of our friends are here, I find myself wondering if I have to keep going. Surely it's not wrong to rest a bit, is it?

[That, he can't fix. There are certainly much better people to hug out there, but this is who Satoko has.]

You deserve to take a break. To be safe, or at least as safe as you can be in a place like this.

[ "you deserve to take a break."

that may be true. it almost certainly is - she hasn't even bothered counting the years since she last truly breathed out and relaxed. but...

"to be safe."

slowly, with a great reluctance, satoko pushes herself back off chuuya to look up at him. ]

...what danger do you think I am in, Mr. Chuuya?

...I assume it's the same thing that kept killing Rika before, but neither of you have told me the details.

[But she has to be in some kind of danger, doesn't she? To keep dying so often.]

[ of course. of course he didn't understand. how could he? her brow falls - not from painful memories but in preparation for the conversation to come. ]

...the Mountain Dogs no longer take Rika's life. The circumstances that led to her death have changed, for the most part.

[ she takes a small step back, preemptively and unconsciously distancing herself from the closest thing she has to a father figure. ]

No matter how perfectly I remake them.

[He doesn't understand.

Satoko cares for Rika. Everyone knows that. She wouldn't have been so hurt by Rika's actions otherwise. But they were talking things out, and things were getting better-

And even if they hadn't been, to go so far as-]

Why?

Because it was the only way to make her stay.

[ she looks down to the floor. it isn't that she's ashamed of what she's done - that hasn't quite hit her yet, the enormity of her actions. but she is hurt just thinking about the difference between this world and hers - how easily she can coexist with rika here, and how nothing worked back in the other. ]

...I talked to her in the first few fragments. We talked about our problems. I told her about my fears. And every time, she cast me aside. Every time. [ a soft, unhappy chuckle. ] I waited five whole years for her, those first few times. Just to see if this time would be different. But it never was.

I'm sorry.

[He really is. He understands, that sometimes you love a person, and love a person, and are honest, and things still don't work out.]

...But, Satoko... She'll figure it out eventually, and it'll only drive her further away from you.

That's where you're wrong.

[ the amazing part isn't the words she's saying. the amazing part is the absolute, unflinching certainty in them. she doesn't believe herself to be right; she knows it. ]

Mr. Chuuya, what do you feel the thing furthest from love is?

Indifference.

[...oh, he knows where this is going and he doesn't like it.]

I knew you would understand. You are a poet, are you not?

[ the look in her eyes... it's not happy, but it's not desperate. it's a bittersweet sort of smile. the smile of someone who's accepted defeat to win in the long run. ]

Love and hate... They're not that far apart, I don't think. When someone chases you and threatens you, they think of you the whole time!

[He's never been so unhappy to be right.]

...There's one difference, I think.

If you love someone, you have to want them to be happy. Sometimes you can hurt them out of ignorance and that's not an excuse - but if you're doing it deliberately, that isn't love.

[Obsession, yes. But never love.]

[ that hits different. the smile vanishes from satoko's face, and for a moment she looks once again - that same piercing glare, scouring down into the depths of his soul, looking for something.

she finds it once more. she doesn't smile this time. ]

Of course I want her to be happy. I want us both to be happy. Our friends, our families... even the ones who tried to harm us. Why else would I have done this? [ her voice is calm, level, and measured. it is absolutely abhorrent to hear. ] Tell me, Mr. Chuuya, does a parent who disciplines their child not love them? What of the father who offers foul-tasting medicine?

[If she expects him to waver, he doesn't.]

Of course they do. Because the sickness is worse than the medicine, and the consequences of growing up without learning self-control are worse than the discipline. That's still about long-term happiness.

What does the long term look like for you, now? What's your path from this point to happiness?

[Does she have a plan? She's good at plans, isn't she? They're not so different from traps.]

Edited 2021-05-22 18:08 (UTC)

[ neither will waver. they're similar like that, along with so many other ways. ]

Rika's desire to abandon Hinamizawa was born from a hundred years of suffering. At most, it would take another hundred years to change it. [ she speaks the number casually, as if it doesn't hold the weight of a century. ] But there's a much quicker way to do it. All one needs to do is break that one desire and reform it.

[ the knife spins on the table once more. satoko continues to speak, matter-of-factly. ]

If Rika can be convinced to stay, then no one has to suffer at all. I have seen every roll of the dice possible. And unlike my beloved, I am willing to take action to guarantee the result.

[ spin, spin, spin. ]

A hundred years of pain, and Rika wants to discard eternity. It's absurd, isn't it?

[Chuuya listens. Satoko really, genuinely believes in what she's saying. She thinks she's being completely logical, completely reasonable. It makes everything much worse.

He doesn't answer. Instead, he steps into the kitchen, opens the fridge, and pulls out a full bottle of sake. He makes eye contact with her as he downs the entire thing.]

[ at first, she doesn't understand what it is he's doing. is he stepping away? is he giving in? she certainly hopes so. it's only when the kitchen opens, when the telltale clang of glass bottles echoes out and she reflexively claps her hands to her ears that she realizes what he's doing.

the brute. the idiot. why can't he see she's in the right?

slowly, she forces her arms back to her sides. after all, she is more than capable of powering through such things, no matter what he might believe. with all the venom she can muster, she says cleanly and precisely: ]

If your aim is to prove me wrong, you'll have to try much harder than that. [ she continues without breaking eye contact. ] Well? Will you raise your fist next?

Satoko's hatred of drunkards was born from - what, a dozen years of suffering?

[He's guessing, but really the shorter it is the more his point stands.]

At most it would take a dozen years to change it. If Satoko changed her mind about alcohol, no one would have to suffer. All I want is for her to be happy.

It's absurd, isn't it?

I did change it, you useless poet! [ her voice is sudden and explosive; the restrained expression she's been holding back this whole time contorts, fills with anger. ] I changed it the moment you said you wouldn't! Have I told you to stop drinking? Have I thrown you in the garbage? Did I stop coming to see you because I felt you were worth less than that fear?

[ she storms forward, grabbing the front of his vest as she continues to yell. ]

Or do you think the same way she does? That all the precious moments you've given me- [ her fist clutches tight, trembles in her anger. ] -that all of that is meaningless next to my discomfort?!

[Ah. She's screaming at him. He sets the empty bottle aside, and... gently pats her on the head.]

...Of course. Even after everything you've said, I still think you deserve better than me, Satoko. Or at least someone who doesn't do things he knows upset you because he can't get through the day without them.

[But that's more on him, really.]

[ she moves to swat his hand away... and stops halfway, balling her hands into fists instead. ]

Don't say such things. Besides, that isn't the point and you know it, you oaf.

[ she sighs after a moment, looking away from chuuya as the anger finally boils away. this whole situation is a mess, isn't it? it's beyond messy. but it isn't as if yelling at chuuya will solve anything, no matter how obtuse he might be. ]

...either way, it doesn't matter. [ she sounds almost sullen. ] I told you, didn't I? I don't intend to chase this down for some time. We couldn't go back to Hinamizawa even if I wanted to, so there's no point in doing such things right now.

[ if it sounds like an excuse... well, there's a good reason for that. ]

[Isn't it the point, though? That Satoko shouldn't have to suffer through that, and neither should Rika?]

Alright. There's nothing I can do about it either.

-But for as long as you're here, I promise you can confide in me. I might not always understand, but you're important to me.

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