goatsongs | Noctium IC Inbox

Because it was the only way to make her stay.

[ she looks down to the floor. it isn't that she's ashamed of what she's done - that hasn't quite hit her yet, the enormity of her actions. but she is hurt just thinking about the difference between this world and hers - how easily she can coexist with rika here, and how nothing worked back in the other. ]

...I talked to her in the first few fragments. We talked about our problems. I told her about my fears. And every time, she cast me aside. Every time. [ a soft, unhappy chuckle. ] I waited five whole years for her, those first few times. Just to see if this time would be different. But it never was.

I'm sorry.

[He really is. He understands, that sometimes you love a person, and love a person, and are honest, and things still don't work out.]

...But, Satoko... She'll figure it out eventually, and it'll only drive her further away from you.

That's where you're wrong.

[ the amazing part isn't the words she's saying. the amazing part is the absolute, unflinching certainty in them. she doesn't believe herself to be right; she knows it. ]

Mr. Chuuya, what do you feel the thing furthest from love is?

Indifference.

[...oh, he knows where this is going and he doesn't like it.]

I knew you would understand. You are a poet, are you not?

[ the look in her eyes... it's not happy, but it's not desperate. it's a bittersweet sort of smile. the smile of someone who's accepted defeat to win in the long run. ]

Love and hate... They're not that far apart, I don't think. When someone chases you and threatens you, they think of you the whole time!

[He's never been so unhappy to be right.]

...There's one difference, I think.

If you love someone, you have to want them to be happy. Sometimes you can hurt them out of ignorance and that's not an excuse - but if you're doing it deliberately, that isn't love.

[Obsession, yes. But never love.]

[ that hits different. the smile vanishes from satoko's face, and for a moment she looks once again - that same piercing glare, scouring down into the depths of his soul, looking for something.

she finds it once more. she doesn't smile this time. ]

Of course I want her to be happy. I want us both to be happy. Our friends, our families... even the ones who tried to harm us. Why else would I have done this? [ her voice is calm, level, and measured. it is absolutely abhorrent to hear. ] Tell me, Mr. Chuuya, does a parent who disciplines their child not love them? What of the father who offers foul-tasting medicine?

[If she expects him to waver, he doesn't.]

Of course they do. Because the sickness is worse than the medicine, and the consequences of growing up without learning self-control are worse than the discipline. That's still about long-term happiness.

What does the long term look like for you, now? What's your path from this point to happiness?

[Does she have a plan? She's good at plans, isn't she? They're not so different from traps.]

Edited 2021-05-22 18:08 (UTC)

[ neither will waver. they're similar like that, along with so many other ways. ]

Rika's desire to abandon Hinamizawa was born from a hundred years of suffering. At most, it would take another hundred years to change it. [ she speaks the number casually, as if it doesn't hold the weight of a century. ] But there's a much quicker way to do it. All one needs to do is break that one desire and reform it.

[ the knife spins on the table once more. satoko continues to speak, matter-of-factly. ]

If Rika can be convinced to stay, then no one has to suffer at all. I have seen every roll of the dice possible. And unlike my beloved, I am willing to take action to guarantee the result.

[ spin, spin, spin. ]

A hundred years of pain, and Rika wants to discard eternity. It's absurd, isn't it?

[Chuuya listens. Satoko really, genuinely believes in what she's saying. She thinks she's being completely logical, completely reasonable. It makes everything much worse.

He doesn't answer. Instead, he steps into the kitchen, opens the fridge, and pulls out a full bottle of sake. He makes eye contact with her as he downs the entire thing.]

[ at first, she doesn't understand what it is he's doing. is he stepping away? is he giving in? she certainly hopes so. it's only when the kitchen opens, when the telltale clang of glass bottles echoes out and she reflexively claps her hands to her ears that she realizes what he's doing.

the brute. the idiot. why can't he see she's in the right?

slowly, she forces her arms back to her sides. after all, she is more than capable of powering through such things, no matter what he might believe. with all the venom she can muster, she says cleanly and precisely: ]

If your aim is to prove me wrong, you'll have to try much harder than that. [ she continues without breaking eye contact. ] Well? Will you raise your fist next?

Satoko's hatred of drunkards was born from - what, a dozen years of suffering?

[He's guessing, but really the shorter it is the more his point stands.]

At most it would take a dozen years to change it. If Satoko changed her mind about alcohol, no one would have to suffer. All I want is for her to be happy.

It's absurd, isn't it?

I did change it, you useless poet! [ her voice is sudden and explosive; the restrained expression she's been holding back this whole time contorts, fills with anger. ] I changed it the moment you said you wouldn't! Have I told you to stop drinking? Have I thrown you in the garbage? Did I stop coming to see you because I felt you were worth less than that fear?

[ she storms forward, grabbing the front of his vest as she continues to yell. ]

Or do you think the same way she does? That all the precious moments you've given me- [ her fist clutches tight, trembles in her anger. ] -that all of that is meaningless next to my discomfort?!

[Ah. She's screaming at him. He sets the empty bottle aside, and... gently pats her on the head.]

...Of course. Even after everything you've said, I still think you deserve better than me, Satoko. Or at least someone who doesn't do things he knows upset you because he can't get through the day without them.

[But that's more on him, really.]

[ she moves to swat his hand away... and stops halfway, balling her hands into fists instead. ]

Don't say such things. Besides, that isn't the point and you know it, you oaf.

[ she sighs after a moment, looking away from chuuya as the anger finally boils away. this whole situation is a mess, isn't it? it's beyond messy. but it isn't as if yelling at chuuya will solve anything, no matter how obtuse he might be. ]

...either way, it doesn't matter. [ she sounds almost sullen. ] I told you, didn't I? I don't intend to chase this down for some time. We couldn't go back to Hinamizawa even if I wanted to, so there's no point in doing such things right now.

[ if it sounds like an excuse... well, there's a good reason for that. ]

[Isn't it the point, though? That Satoko shouldn't have to suffer through that, and neither should Rika?]

Alright. There's nothing I can do about it either.

-But for as long as you're here, I promise you can confide in me. I might not always understand, but you're important to me.

There isn't. I'm glad you understand that.

[ it's a cruel, harsh thing to say. she feels bad just saying it. and when chuuya continues, she feels really bad. so she breathes in, and breathes out, and finally admits- ]

...I don't want to do it. [ it's hard to even say it. but once it's said, it continues to tumble out. ] I... I didn't think things would ever work out like this. Like they have here. But now that they have, I don't want to give that up.

[ her fists clench at her sides. ]

Is it so wrong to just want things to stay like this for now?

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Anyone would rather have their important person stay with them without - any of that involved.

[Whether or not they would resort to that in the first place, of course this is better.]

None of it had to be involved! I tried to talk to her! I told you that! And she just...

[ her hands ball into fists, trembling. shaking. ]

She just wouldn't...

[ the stress of it all comes crashing down at once. arguing with chuuya. arguing with rika. lying to thanatos. it all crashes through, and her hands move to cover the obvious tears in her eyes. ]

[He should be more upset with her than he is, he knows - but that doesn't even cross his mind when he sees her cry.

Gently, he wraps his arms around her in a warm, soft hug.]

I'm here. You're not alone.

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