goatsongs | Noctium IC Inbox

Naturally. I imagine I’ll need to put the tea on myself, hmm? I can’t imagine you prepared anything.

[ her voice is lightly teasing - but not quite as vivacious as usual, an odd distance to her smile. in her hand she clutches a single piece of paper, careful not to wrinkle it. ]

...I don't actually have any tea to share.

[He has water and booze.]

...you really are a bum, Mr. Chuuya.

[ she sighs, her smile slowly fading. she’d been hoping for a bit more time, but, well - the conversation must happen eventually. ]

Here. [ she reaches forward, pressing the paper face down into his hands. ] Please don’t ask me anything until you’ve finished it. And... please read it fully.

[ the paper reads, written in a perfect spiral: ]

When a loved one dies, you have to commit suicide.
When a loved one dies, no other recourse remains.

But perhaps, if your life had been long,
If you had obligations and duties to fulfill,

The inspiration to serve would grow.
The inspiration to live would grow.

But nobody is left to serve.
Nobody is left to live for.

Ah... I am alone, am I not?
This world is empty without her.

I move on through the veil.

When a loved one dies, you have to commit suicide.
When a loved one dies, no other recourse remains.

Our kitchen still remains untouched.
A perfect tableau. An undisturbed crime scene.

Shall I clean it? Will I?
The blood lingers long after.

A spotless white kitchen remains.
A kitchen bathed in red remains.

I cannot stand to look at it.
I cannot stand this world any longer.

I move on through the veil.

When a loved one dies, you have to commit suicide.
When a loved one dies, no other recourse remains.

Together at the games shop, we laugh and chatter nervously.
「Fancy that.」「Ah, really?」「I'll win for sure this time.」

I look at their faces and smile when I speak.
I look at the empty seat every other moment.

Do they not realize? Do they not understand?
Do they truly not comprehend that she will not sit there any longer?

I do not wait for the realization.
I have never had the patience for pointless things.

I move on through the veil.

When a loved one dies, you have to commit suicide.
When a loved one dies, no other recourse remains.

Alone in the space between worlds,
I gaze out upon Naraka.

A million millions of fragments.
A million millions of lifetimes.
A million million rebirths and deaths.

Ah, will my karma ever be made clean?

It doesn't matter, I am certain.
Nirvana is always one jump away.

I move on through the veil.

[Chuuya reads the whole thing, his brow furrowing with every line. Then he reads it again, just to make sure he got it right the first time.

This is... a lot. He doesn't even know where to begin responding to this.

'Are you okay' is a stupid question, so he settles for something else.]

Do you... want to talk about it?

Does it matter if I do?

[ satoko's tone is... different. not quite the old, drained voice rika falls into, but not quite her normal enthusiasm either. she sounds almost frustrated. tense. on edge. ]

...before you answer that, I would ask a favor of you. [ plain. clipped. to the point. ] Will you swear that nothing leaves this room?

Cross my heart.

[He's told Rika a few things to try to get them to actually talk to each other about their problems, but if Satoko asks him not to say anything, he'll sooner die than spill.]

[ she looks at him. really and truly looks, peering into his eyes like she's searching for something. and finally, after a good ten seconds of silent evaluation, she nods, seemingly satisfied. ]

...I'm glad.

[ she reaches down and into her bag. she slowly withdraws a kitchen knife - long, clean, recently sharpened. she lays it on the kitchen counter, making sure chuuya has ample time to see it before she continues. ]

Did she tell you why she returned to Showa 58? Or has she still not put two and two together?

[Oh, he doesn't like that. He likes that even less coupled with her poem.]

She didn't tell me that she went back again.

No, I suppose she wouldn't. A liar to the bitter end, isn't she?

[ even now, there's a soft fondness that creeps into the words - both lovesick and sick, a perfect blend of adoration and venom. ]

Then allow me to be frank. [ she speaks calmly, as if they aren't talking about something truly horrendous. ] As one who lives in loops, Rika is bound to this little game of ours. Back home, yes, but even here as well.

[ she reaches forward, laying a fingertip on the knife's handle but making no attempt to grab it. ]

Death is little more than an inconvenience to us. This place is no different. [ idly, spinning the knife with her finger: ] I assume you have no need for a demonstration?

Don't do that!

[If he sees her die he'll snap, he swears, even if she comes back five seconds later.]

Calm down, Mr. Chuuya. Rest assured, I'd rather avoid it too. It isn't as if I enjoy the process.

[ spin, spin, spin. she stares down at it for a few moments, finally shaking her head and resuming. ]

...there. I believe I've been truthful on this matter. [ she looks up and directly at him, making eye-to-eye contact without flinching. ] So now that you know, what do you intend to do?

[No one likes dying. Not even people like Dazai enjoyed their end.]

...Well, right now I'd like to give you a hug.

[ this time, it's satoko's turn to be speechless. when she does talk, there's a genuine confusion in her voice. ]

...why?

You just told me you've been dying over and over, so much that you can talk about it like it isn't a big deal. Of course I want to hug you?

[She knows how much she means to him. If he can't do anything to fix the problem, at least he can try to comfort her.]

[ it isn't what she expected - not even a little. but she can't help the warm feeling running through her as he says it, or the way her chest hurts in a good way for once. so she nods, finally managing to say aloud: ]

Um... you can give me a hug, if you like. I don't mind.

[He's gentle when he wraps his arms around her and pulls her close. For all his weaknesses as a person, he at least can give warm hugs. So that's something.]

Satoko...

[ he smells... well, he smells like a common drunkard. a bathed drunkard, yes, but a drunkard nonetheless. but even so, the hug is meaninful, and satoko makes no attmept to break free. ]

...it's strange. [ her voice is half-muffled by chuuya's scrawny chest. ] She never wants to go back home. I know that. And I want nothing more. But... but now that so many of our friends are here, I find myself wondering if I have to keep going. Surely it's not wrong to rest a bit, is it?

[That, he can't fix. There are certainly much better people to hug out there, but this is who Satoko has.]

You deserve to take a break. To be safe, or at least as safe as you can be in a place like this.

[ "you deserve to take a break."

that may be true. it almost certainly is - she hasn't even bothered counting the years since she last truly breathed out and relaxed. but...

"to be safe."

slowly, with a great reluctance, satoko pushes herself back off chuuya to look up at him. ]

...what danger do you think I am in, Mr. Chuuya?

...I assume it's the same thing that kept killing Rika before, but neither of you have told me the details.

[But she has to be in some kind of danger, doesn't she? To keep dying so often.]

[ of course. of course he didn't understand. how could he? her brow falls - not from painful memories but in preparation for the conversation to come. ]

...the Mountain Dogs no longer take Rika's life. The circumstances that led to her death have changed, for the most part.

[ she takes a small step back, preemptively and unconsciously distancing herself from the closest thing she has to a father figure. ]

No matter how perfectly I remake them.

[He doesn't understand.

Satoko cares for Rika. Everyone knows that. She wouldn't have been so hurt by Rika's actions otherwise. But they were talking things out, and things were getting better-

And even if they hadn't been, to go so far as-]

Why?

Because it was the only way to make her stay.

[ she looks down to the floor. it isn't that she's ashamed of what she's done - that hasn't quite hit her yet, the enormity of her actions. but she is hurt just thinking about the difference between this world and hers - how easily she can coexist with rika here, and how nothing worked back in the other. ]

...I talked to her in the first few fragments. We talked about our problems. I told her about my fears. And every time, she cast me aside. Every time. [ a soft, unhappy chuckle. ] I waited five whole years for her, those first few times. Just to see if this time would be different. But it never was.

I'm sorry.

[He really is. He understands, that sometimes you love a person, and love a person, and are honest, and things still don't work out.]

...But, Satoko... She'll figure it out eventually, and it'll only drive her further away from you.

Noctium IC Inbox

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject