Week One, Tuesday.

[goatsongs]

[Chuuya has cut holes in the gimp mask so that it still covers his cheek but isn't so much... that.

It'll make this conversation less weird, but not by much.]

Have you had sex yet?

Comments

[goatsongs]

You think so?

[Chuuya's proud of his poetry, but his singing is something he just - does. Not even a performance, really, but just what leaves his lips when he isn't thinking too hard. He doesn't think of himself as a singer in the same way that most humans don't think of themselves as breathers.

He presses his face against Hizamaru's back again.]

I wrote it.

[leggymaru]

[He glances back finally, but not, like, all the way around. More like he turns his jaw against his shoulder and arm, but his eyes are elsewhere.]

Really? You're an amazing writer, too, Chuuya-san. Sometimes... when our master isn't feeling well, he'll ask us for a song or a dance. It reminds me of the songs we sing for him. Or the songs we sing when we're on a mission.

[goatsongs]

[Even if he can't really see Chuuya's face, just the turning makes Chuuya turn his head to the side to hide his cheek against Hizamaru's back. No chances.]

Could I hear you sing sometime?

[leggymaru]

[It's fine. Feeling Chuuya move, he remembers to turn his head back and try to behave.]

Yes. Do you want me to sing now?

[goatsongs]

Sure.

["Yes, please."]

[leggymaru]

Okay.

[For a moment, he's thoughtful. He doesn't sit up to sing; not that he's amazing enough to do it lying down, but he doesn't sing with enough fervor for it to be bad. It's like this but with less pop music, of course. He gives Chuuya the first couple of verses.

He unfortunately has a really good voice.]

Stay. Stay.

I saw this dream so many times,
unable to reach you no matter how much I reached out.
I always grasped only air.

If we could be at a distance such that I could touch you if I wished,
if I could be reflected back in those eyes,
if you could be there.

I will dedicate the beginning and ending to you.
Throwing away this illusion,
I cannot go back anymore.

Just be in my sight.
My body is hot and the wind is strong.
Looking at you,
my heart is being burned by these strong emotions.

A truth that we cannot look away from,
I want to discover that with you.
Just be in my sight.
This heart is always a part of you.

Stay. Stay. Stay.

[goatsongs]

[It's a beautiful song, with a beautiful voice. It's really unfortunate, because those words, in this situation, can only bring up one memory of a person he won't see again-

Tears wet Hizamaru's back.]

[leggymaru]

[Oh. Whoops. He's not sure what to do--usually he's the one crying.]

Chuuya-san...? [He can't turn around, so he just... reaches back to touch Chuuya a bit, briefly.] Are you okay? I'm sorry.

[goatsongs]

I'm f-fine. [No he's not, and it's obvious from the way he leans into Hizamaru's hand.] It just... reminded me of something, that's all.

[Something he's already reminded of by it being written on his skin.]

[leggymaru]

[He keeps his hand there for several moments, and then he lowers it by his side so he doesn't bug Chuuya so much (he thinks).]

I won't sing it again, Chuuya-san, okay?

[goatsongs]

[It's not about the song. It's not even about the words on his face. It's not about any/i> of this.]

...you can turn around if you want.

[He's so tired.]

[leggymaru]

[He shakes his head fervently.]

It's okay, Chuuya-san. I don't have to look. I don't mind.

[goatsongs]

It doesn't matter. What does any of this matter? Even if I hide these stupid words, nothing will change. Even if they weren't there, I can't forget it.

[hizamaru is too good for this.]

[leggymaru]

[For a moment or two, he still won't turn around.] Everyone has one, right, Chuuya-san? [Very slowly, he turns his head, just a bit at first, just enough to see some of Chuuya out of the corner of his eye.]

They aren't nice things, and... they do still hurt.

[goatsongs]

...It would be easier if I thought you all would hate me for it. If I were blamed.

[But the pain he's in isn't enough to convince him that the others would blame him. Just as knowing that can't keep him from blaming himself.

He touches his cheek lightly. Couldn't save my son.]

Does it ever stop hurting?

[leggymaru]

[After a bit, he finally turns over to his back, peering at Chuuya. His eyes flicker to the cheek, but look at Chuuya again after.]

I don't think so, Chuuya-san. I'm sorry. [His lips thin sympathetically.] I'm a thousand years old, but... sometimes it still hurts.

I wasn't forged correctly. I was longer than elder brother.

[goatsongs]

[Chuuya's first thought is 'so what?' but. No, it's obviously important to them. Size does, apparently, matter.]

Does he hold it against you?

[leggymaru]

I'm not sure. [His eyes lower.] When we were presented to our master by our smiths... I was three shaku long, but elder brother was only two shaku and seven suns.

Elder brother's smith was imprisoned; our master thought he had stolen some of the iron. The smith prayed for the gods to show his honor. Elder brother unsheathed and... cut the extra length away from me so we were equal.

It's okay. I accept the god's punishment for being forged wrong.

[goatsongs]

[Okay, that's a good deal more serious than Chuuya thought. He doesn't know how to respond. He's not a samurai or a smith or a sword, this is completely out of his wheelhouse.]

You didn't do anything wrong. How can you be punished for something you had no control over?

[Hypocrisy. He knows.]

[leggymaru]

[It’s fine. Hizamaru is a dumbass about a lot of things, but he’s a good boy.]

How can you, Chuuya-san?

[goatsongs]

[Of course Hizamaru says that. Of course.]

...Maybe if I'd fed him different food, he wouldn't have gotten sick. Maybe if I'd realized sooner he was sick. Maybe if I'd had a real job with a real paycheck, I'd have been able to afford a better doctor for him.

There had to have been something.

[Because otherwise, what kind of world would he have lived in, where his son was doomed to die no matter what?]

[leggymaru]

[His brows crease. It's hard for him to fully understand, as something almost immortal. As something which has been around for a long time, fortunately unbroken, something that now has a human body that doesn't have to suffer anything like that really.

But he still has empathy for humans. And it still pains him to see them suffer.]

I'm a treasure of the Minamoto Clan. I've been passed down from father to son many times. Some of them die younger than others, but they always die. Because dying is a part of being human, Chuuya-san. It's what makes you you.

I can't say if there was anything more you could have given, but there must have been something you were already giving. Right, Chuuya-san? Without you, he wouldn't have been able to do a lot of things he was able to do, even for a short time.

[goatsongs]

[He spoiled Fumiya. Of course he did. He gave everything it was in his power to give to his beloved son. And Fumiya was happy, at least for a little while.]

...it isn't fair.

[Chuuya curls up, head in his arms.]

He had so much life ahead of him.

[leggymaru]

[Slowly, he sits up a little, and he reaches out to place a hand on one of Chuuya's arms. He squeezes it gently.]

We shouldn't change history, Chuuya-san. No matter how painful it may be. It needs to be protected so the world can continue on the same path. Any deviation can make things worse. If you changed something, he might not even exist.

I don't think he would want you to feel guilty, or be sad. He wouldn't want to cause you grief. Maybe like here, you will see him one day on the other side, if that's what you believe.

What was his name, Chuuya-san?

[goatsongs]

[No matter how painful the memories are, Chuuya would never want to risk his son not being in his life at all. Even if Chuuya doesn't deserve better, his child does.]

Fumiya.