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« goatsongs » TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION NAKAHARA CHUUYA ✦ BUNGOU TO ALCHEMIST
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GEMBOND ✦ Amethyst

"Yo, it's Nakahara Chuuya. I'm way too busy to talk to you right now, so leave a message and I'll get back to you. Probably."

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[recry]

Yes. We did.

[ Rika isn't sure what to say next. Is this to try and justify herself? Unburden herself? To this facsimile of a long-dead poet? ]

Thank you for encouraging me to be truthful. I hope it will make things better. I am very sorry for troubling you with my burdens.

[ What else is there to say? ]

I feel empty. Like a cloth that's been wrung dry. I can't escape the feeling that there's still something I've done wrong.

I might be imagining it.

[goatsongs]

Did you find out what was troubling her before your confession?

[He knows she didn't, because Satoko admitted she couldn't bring it up. That it felt petty in comparison.]

[recry]

No.

Was it selfish of me to do what I did?

[ Of course it was. She remembers Hanyuu's mocking voice. "She's like a stray cat you always expect to be there when you want her." She had denied it fiercely at the time.

But then... Hanyuu had been right in some way. ]

[goatsongs]

...Opening up about what's been bothering you isn't selfish in and of itself. Being honest is usually better than hiding things from your friends.

But it's a two-way street. If you unload your problems without listening to hers - even if they don't have the weight of a hundred years behind them - that isn't fair to her.

[recry]

It's not like I don't want to hear her problems. I've been there with her through all of them since we were children. She never talks to me about them! Or to anyone else!

[ That was sharper than she expected. A burst of indignation. ]

What am I supposed to do when she never speaks to me? Am I supposed to chase her down until she opens up? This is the first time I've been able to get her to be around me since we got to Saint Lucia's.

[ Separate dorm assignments aren't her fault, after all. ]

[goatsongs]

I heard you've spoken twice in a year and a half. And that your new friends insulted her. Frequently.

Of course she's not going to come to you, if that's the kind of people you surround yourself with. What kind of person would open themselves up to more mockery like that?

[Some things aren't her fault, but as far as Chuuya can tell, the problems should be perfectly obvious to Rika.]

[recry]

I invited her to join us and she said that she had no interest in 'stuffy' affairs, directly to their faces. Of course they wouldn't like her after that kind of remark.

I've tried to see if she wanted my help with studying when her grades began to slip, but she just laughed it off, like she hadn't a care in the world. More than once! I've talked to her far more than 'twice' in a year and a half! I offered to make time for her and she accused me of putting up some kind of façade!

[ Her frustration is eking into her normally calm voice. Brittle and unhappy. She just wanted to have Satoko with her and yet it hadn't seemed to work. Nothing she had tried had ]

I can't help the way my new friends think of her, I do my best to tell them she's a nice girl but it doesn't help that she disdains everyone else in the school! She dropped a load of pans onto a group of girls from a chandelier--she's lucky she didn't seriously hurt someone with that trap of hers!

That sort of thing was fine in Hinamizawa but we can't act like that in Saint Lucia's! I kept my mouth shut even though I know she was the one who did it. I protected her! I lied to the Headmistress when she asked if I had any idea who did it!

[ Real anger and frustration now, pouring out of her in a torrent she can't seem to stop. Maybe because she feels so raw. Maybe because it makes her feel so cold, hearing the way that Satoko had obviously interpreted the last eighteen months of their lives. She has to defend herself--has to prove she's not some awful girl.

Even if she truly is. ]

[goatsongs]

Someone told the teachers, and she thinks it was you because she doesn't know who else would have known. She ended up in solitary confinement.

[He's willing to bet Rika doesn't know the details of that.]

They didn't like her before that comment. And did you ask to help her study in front of people she'd hate admitting weakness to? When you know perfectly well how hard it is for her to ask for help to begin with?

[recry]

Ehh?!

[ That remark stops her cold. Solitary confinement? For a prank gone wrong? Who had told the teachers, though? It could have been anyone in her little group, she realizes--she had remarked that traps and pranks were Satoko's purview at least once. ]

I had no idea--we never saw each other because she was in the remedial class. I would never betray her that way, ever!

[ She feels deflated. Unhappy. Indignant. There's anger that of course, she has to be the one at fault here--that her good faith efforts don't count because of course Satoko is too childish and stubborn to be able to just accept Rika's hand when she offers it. There's also guilt. Loathing for herself. She could have done more. Could have made more of an effort. Could have been more upfront about defending her friend.

But she had assumed Satoko would always be there. Again. Ignored her. ]

I thought--

[ No. That was a different timeline, all of it blending together in her mind. Satoko hadn't learned to ask for help in the only loop that mattered. Her voice cracks a little with a tone of despair. ]

Oh, Satoko...

[goatsongs]

[Chuuya sighs, a heavy, tired thing. He's really not the right person to give advice, but as far as he knows Satoko doesn't have any other adults she's willing to open up to.]

She cares about you a lot, you know. If you both work on clearing things up and being better in the future, I'm sure you'll be able to fix what went wrong between you.

[recry]

I'll talk to her and see if I can make her understand.

[ It always has to be her. Resentment stirs, just a little. ]

Or to see if I can understand her.

Thank you, Nakahara-sensei. For being there for her and listening to her.

[goatsongs]

Don't worry about it. That's what adults are for.

[and he is, apparently, a responsible adult.]

[recry]

Perhaps I'll get a chance to meet you and thank you in person once I can correct the errors I've made. You deserve thanks in any case.

[ She laughs. ]

How funny, that I'm older than an adult. Though I'm not sure how to count your age when you lived and died so long before me...

[goatsongs]

I didn't experience those hundred years before I was summoned, so they don't count. Anyway, I don't feel that old.

[He's thirty and he'll be thirty forever, thanks.]

Good luck.

[recry]

I feel ancient and tired down to my bones some days. How funny.

[ Better than being eleven forever. ]

Thank you.

[goatsongs]

Understandable. At least living a hundred years doesn't come with arthritis for you.

[she could always feel more ancient and tired]

[recry]

I think I would prefer arthritis. At least then I'd actually be as old as I feel.

[ Ah, it's freeing to gripe a little. ]

In any case, I've probably taken up too much of your time already.

[goatsongs]

You'll get there someday. Don't feel any rush.

Take care, Rika.

[recry]

And you, Nakahara-sensei.